You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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