We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
