I think I died a long time ago.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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