apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
