I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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