i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
