one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
