So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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