So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
