dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
