I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize