i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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