I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
