Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
