Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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