Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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