just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
