If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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