I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
