I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
