you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
