You don't have asthma, your pregnant
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
