I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
