I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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