I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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