if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
