her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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