Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
