I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
