if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize