and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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