upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
