It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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