My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize