It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
