New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize