I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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