if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
