Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
