there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
