I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
