I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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