oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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