im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm getting married
To pizza
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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