Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
