Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
