WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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