I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
