walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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