You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
