Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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