I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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