I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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