Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
